This is absolutely stunning. Hy heart leapt when I saw the title and then was hardly breathing as I read through. I'd love to add this podcast with Michael Kiwanuka about straddling two worlds and how that otherness can give artists our super power: https://songexploder.net/michael-kiwanuka
Tiff, I will honestly cry now! Thank you for reading and I will go into that podcast and share it too. I know this just touches the surface of it all. I want to go deeper into it. Also, somehwere we're both forever wandering the back streets of Lefkosia in my mind. All love back xo
Love you writing essays. Go, Antonia! You’ve captured so much of what I feel and often think about. Born here in the UK to Jamaican and Jamaican Chinese parents and raised in Dublin, Ireland from age 10 via a couple of years in Zambia from 8-10. The place that feels most home for me is Ireland, hands down. It feels funny to straddle places but it’s sometimes also been painful. I’m sometimes asked why I don’t talk more about my heritage, and it’s because some folks don’t get it and it’s exhausting. I think in Irish and then, after over 20 years of practice, automatically switch to what suits English people. I moved to London in 2001 thinking I’d be embraced in diversity and instead I experienced a lot of being told I don’t belong and having my background, blackness, or what I say queried.
Nat, thank you for this gorgeous close and empathetic reading. I feel all the straddling of place, the pain and the exhaustion of it, the way we keep our heritage guarded...did I mention I'm also quarter German...? What you said about shape-shifting into the dominant English culture and the expectation gap around belonging...that disappointment you're still "other". Thanks for the encouragement and I being so generous sharing xo
Oh Antonia, this essay found me exactly where I was in my tug and pull with belonging. I'm nodding along to so many things, from finding friends in others looking for belonging, to making the edges the centre. So beautifully said, and how strangely hopeful to read it. There's comfort (and belonging) in simply knowing that someone else also finds it tough in ways that we do.
Oh, and I remember listening that episode with Barbara Kingsolver and struggling with the imprint phrase. It stood out to me because my mind instantly rejected that the landscape I was born in was my home, my imprint. Once my grandparents died, somehow the Romanian village has lost its smells, its warmth, its charms. It surprised me, and I'm still seeking for explanations. And for belonging...
Antoanela, thank you for your words on this. I think this does come back to belonging and also how storytelling is part of that. I can almost picture your grandparents' village and thank you for sharing that. I would love to know if you'd go back? To finding new ways to belong, friend. With love xo
Well, I'm very suggestible and I will go back and insist on belonging, thank you very much ;) I do go back every year now that I live in Europe. I will report back on what new stories I can find that feel good and home-like. To finding new ways indeed xx.
What a beautiful personal essay to share. I think we all seek community but the things that bind us aren’t always related to culture (but can be for sure); for me a shared outlook, beliefs, sense of humour and interests are what draw me in. In fact I think I’ve always been attracted to people who have a different background from my own. ❤️
Agree there are so many things that matter as much if not more than where we come from. It's those places that connect us that make us a community, I guess. Thank you for reading Katie xo
Love this post. I have never thought of how many “half” friends I have - including you. I too am half - if not quarter? (Dutch, grew up in Indonesia, the only bilingual person in my family, lived in uk since I was 19). Nothing will ever feel as home as Indonesia does, though I also am not “from” there. Being bilingual in the Netherlands of the 80s was incredibly lonely, but speaking and reading English has also been the best thing in my life. I love that you shared all this - it’s an incredibly thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. Thank you for sharing this.
Petra - I didn't know you grew up in Indonesia! I did start looking into third culture as part of this but it felt like something I had to come back to. And I know how having a second or third language can actually set you apart too. I realised my friendship group is full of halfs too! We probably felt it in the workshop nearly TWO years ago! See you soon, my lovely friend xo
I felt this land so I can't imagine how it must have felt to write and share. Take care but please, as and when you're ready share more of your story. I'm British with Irish heritage (so far so normal) but treasure my childhood memories of my primary school friends. There was Hiranthi whose parents were Sri Lankan. Visits to her house introduced me to curry, rice and eating with your hands. My friendship with Monica gave me my first taste of paella at around 8 years old. Being invited to join her family and the rest of the Spanish community at church and seeing the hall floor covered with sunflower seeds will stay with me forever. It was also my first intro into racism being told how they'd have 'Spanish onion' shouted at them in the streets. Such important stories to tell.
Thank you lovely Harriet. It was actually Sarah Fay's suggestion to explore writing personal essays which I'd never dreamt of! Thank you for sharing those gorgeous personal stories too...heartbreaking ones. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface on this and haven't got to bigger conversations around colonialism, displacement...yet...Thank you for reading and for being a cherished friend in this writing journey xo
Oh darling this is so beautiful. The 'youness' in this is a delight. The need to belong is a universal need. We find ourselves adapting, shifting shape just to squeeze into a space that we might fit but somehow it's never quite the snugness we are looking for is it? Yet, developing the self-awareness, the acceptance, the vulnerability of what it means to be 'us' and embracing our uniqueness actually ends up fitting a little bit more perfectly somehow. such a beautiful delight to read your words this morning. Sending oodles of love xxx
Beautiful friend, thank you as always for your wisdom and deep insight into this. The shifting and shape-making...The self-awareness and acceptance ...always working on this. Love to you too my gorgeous friend xo
Hello friend! Thank you for sharing that. Olives so redolent with meaning, especially now, and I can't read the news without thinking of you and your other home and how it all gets dragged in. Xx
Gorgeous friend, thank you for reading this. They are so very symbolic and loaded with meaning -especially now. 🌳 I was thinking deeply about addressing this in the piece and perhaps I’ll come back to it, beyond the reference to Naomi Shihab Nye 🙏🏽It all gets dragged in like you say 💔
Thank you so much for this post. It feels so serendipitous - my novel is based on the beach where I grew up and I have absolutely imprinted onto - what a lovely expression. And as a seemingly white girl with an Indian mother, I resonate with so much of this post. Beautiful 🫒🫒🫒🌴🌴
Have you come across Owen Eastwood's book Belonging? It is wonderful on so many levels and I think, with everything that you are feeling and experiencing, it could be a good one to put on your list. Hope all is good in you and your tiny, hopeful olives x
I love this personal essay Antonia, I love how you now embrace being a poet and writer as much as a PR consultant, it feels like you’re a bud unfurling (that was quite poetic ha ha). I love reading all of your writing.
Oh, and there’s a book about the partition of Cyprus, I think it’s called The Olive Tree or something similar and that centres on an olive tree that was brought over from Cyprus, the owner buries it each winter to protect it. If you haven’t already read it it’s a great book.
Thank you Caroline! And for reading so closely as this was the first piece of prose I drew on some poetic techniques. It was terrifying but like my friend Lucy Werner days, the joy is in the writing. I know the Island of Missing Trees...it's by Elif Shafak. I don't feel quite ready to go into the politics of the island but one day ...So glad you liked it xo
Are we twins?! I could cry reading how much of myself I saw reading this. Your words have hit me on a soul level. Sidenote, rushed outside in the storm to check on my treasured olive tree! It’s true what my Dad always says, they are so hard wearing. If they can survive famines, wars and thousands of years, they can handle storm Isha! Anyway, here’s to connection. I can’t wait for our mezze lunch. Going to read this again now...loved it that much. X
Ah babe! I want to hang out with your dad! I know olive trees are such a potent symbol for our part of the world. And you’re right....they’re a symbol of resilience and love and connection ❤️On accents...when I moved here my friends always worried when my dad answered the phone lol. Clear as day to me! Will get to work on our mezze 🫓
What a beautiful personal essay. Starting with the olive tree draws us into your story about your place in the world. Olive trees, for me, almost show how our lives can change positively. Olive trees are beginning to flourish here in the UK, hopefully showing how we can all live together with differences being welcomed. I know there is a downside to olive trees flourishing - climate change, but I'll overlook that for a moment. XXXX
Thank you for reading Jo...I know olive trees are loaded in symbolism and meaning for so many cultures and like you say, it's one we can share...I had my eye on one in the garden centre so there may be an olive grove in Reading yet ;) xo
Leah! Thank you for reading and for sharing that- I’m so glad it resonated. Look forward to talking about this more when we catch up! And can’t wait for your novel too 🫒 🌴❤️
This is absolutely stunning. Hy heart leapt when I saw the title and then was hardly breathing as I read through. I'd love to add this podcast with Michael Kiwanuka about straddling two worlds and how that otherness can give artists our super power: https://songexploder.net/michael-kiwanuka
Big love to you my halfie Cypriot sis xx
Tiff, I will honestly cry now! Thank you for reading and I will go into that podcast and share it too. I know this just touches the surface of it all. I want to go deeper into it. Also, somehwere we're both forever wandering the back streets of Lefkosia in my mind. All love back xo
❤️
I should add my pappou also very fair skinned - blonde with blue eyes! My dark colouring actually comes from my Irish side!
I did NOT know that about your pappou! We're probably related ;) xo
Hope so! Tee hee. His families blue eyes were famous and I remember them shining through the little yiayias / his sisters faces
So were the blondies in my fam!!! I mean, famous within the village at least;) I love that image...sweet blue-eyed yiayias xo
All in black with their wrinkly skin! Such a strong memory for me.
Love you writing essays. Go, Antonia! You’ve captured so much of what I feel and often think about. Born here in the UK to Jamaican and Jamaican Chinese parents and raised in Dublin, Ireland from age 10 via a couple of years in Zambia from 8-10. The place that feels most home for me is Ireland, hands down. It feels funny to straddle places but it’s sometimes also been painful. I’m sometimes asked why I don’t talk more about my heritage, and it’s because some folks don’t get it and it’s exhausting. I think in Irish and then, after over 20 years of practice, automatically switch to what suits English people. I moved to London in 2001 thinking I’d be embraced in diversity and instead I experienced a lot of being told I don’t belong and having my background, blackness, or what I say queried.
I look forward to more essays!
Nat, thank you for this gorgeous close and empathetic reading. I feel all the straddling of place, the pain and the exhaustion of it, the way we keep our heritage guarded...did I mention I'm also quarter German...? What you said about shape-shifting into the dominant English culture and the expectation gap around belonging...that disappointment you're still "other". Thanks for the encouragement and I being so generous sharing xo
Oh Antonia, this essay found me exactly where I was in my tug and pull with belonging. I'm nodding along to so many things, from finding friends in others looking for belonging, to making the edges the centre. So beautifully said, and how strangely hopeful to read it. There's comfort (and belonging) in simply knowing that someone else also finds it tough in ways that we do.
Oh, and I remember listening that episode with Barbara Kingsolver and struggling with the imprint phrase. It stood out to me because my mind instantly rejected that the landscape I was born in was my home, my imprint. Once my grandparents died, somehow the Romanian village has lost its smells, its warmth, its charms. It surprised me, and I'm still seeking for explanations. And for belonging...
Much love and praise for your writing.
Antoanela, thank you for your words on this. I think this does come back to belonging and also how storytelling is part of that. I can almost picture your grandparents' village and thank you for sharing that. I would love to know if you'd go back? To finding new ways to belong, friend. With love xo
Well, I'm very suggestible and I will go back and insist on belonging, thank you very much ;) I do go back every year now that I live in Europe. I will report back on what new stories I can find that feel good and home-like. To finding new ways indeed xx.
What a beautiful personal essay to share. I think we all seek community but the things that bind us aren’t always related to culture (but can be for sure); for me a shared outlook, beliefs, sense of humour and interests are what draw me in. In fact I think I’ve always been attracted to people who have a different background from my own. ❤️
Agree there are so many things that matter as much if not more than where we come from. It's those places that connect us that make us a community, I guess. Thank you for reading Katie xo
I also loved your brother’s story about the Olive tree coming over in a suitcase. (Or did I make that one up?) X
Love this post. I have never thought of how many “half” friends I have - including you. I too am half - if not quarter? (Dutch, grew up in Indonesia, the only bilingual person in my family, lived in uk since I was 19). Nothing will ever feel as home as Indonesia does, though I also am not “from” there. Being bilingual in the Netherlands of the 80s was incredibly lonely, but speaking and reading English has also been the best thing in my life. I love that you shared all this - it’s an incredibly thoughtful and thought-provoking piece. Thank you for sharing this.
Petra - I didn't know you grew up in Indonesia! I did start looking into third culture as part of this but it felt like something I had to come back to. And I know how having a second or third language can actually set you apart too. I realised my friendship group is full of halfs too! We probably felt it in the workshop nearly TWO years ago! See you soon, my lovely friend xo
I felt this land so I can't imagine how it must have felt to write and share. Take care but please, as and when you're ready share more of your story. I'm British with Irish heritage (so far so normal) but treasure my childhood memories of my primary school friends. There was Hiranthi whose parents were Sri Lankan. Visits to her house introduced me to curry, rice and eating with your hands. My friendship with Monica gave me my first taste of paella at around 8 years old. Being invited to join her family and the rest of the Spanish community at church and seeing the hall floor covered with sunflower seeds will stay with me forever. It was also my first intro into racism being told how they'd have 'Spanish onion' shouted at them in the streets. Such important stories to tell.
Thank you lovely Harriet. It was actually Sarah Fay's suggestion to explore writing personal essays which I'd never dreamt of! Thank you for sharing those gorgeous personal stories too...heartbreaking ones. I feel like I've barely scratched the surface on this and haven't got to bigger conversations around colonialism, displacement...yet...Thank you for reading and for being a cherished friend in this writing journey xo
Oh darling this is so beautiful. The 'youness' in this is a delight. The need to belong is a universal need. We find ourselves adapting, shifting shape just to squeeze into a space that we might fit but somehow it's never quite the snugness we are looking for is it? Yet, developing the self-awareness, the acceptance, the vulnerability of what it means to be 'us' and embracing our uniqueness actually ends up fitting a little bit more perfectly somehow. such a beautiful delight to read your words this morning. Sending oodles of love xxx
Beautiful friend, thank you as always for your wisdom and deep insight into this. The shifting and shape-making...The self-awareness and acceptance ...always working on this. Love to you too my gorgeous friend xo
Hello friend! Thank you for sharing that. Olives so redolent with meaning, especially now, and I can't read the news without thinking of you and your other home and how it all gets dragged in. Xx
Gorgeous friend, thank you for reading this. They are so very symbolic and loaded with meaning -especially now. 🌳 I was thinking deeply about addressing this in the piece and perhaps I’ll come back to it, beyond the reference to Naomi Shihab Nye 🙏🏽It all gets dragged in like you say 💔
Thank you so much for this post. It feels so serendipitous - my novel is based on the beach where I grew up and I have absolutely imprinted onto - what a lovely expression. And as a seemingly white girl with an Indian mother, I resonate with so much of this post. Beautiful 🫒🫒🫒🌴🌴
Have you come across Owen Eastwood's book Belonging? It is wonderful on so many levels and I think, with everything that you are feeling and experiencing, it could be a good one to put on your list. Hope all is good in you and your tiny, hopeful olives x
Hi lovely! I havent and thank you for suggesting. I'll pop it on my TBR (currently taller than the Empire State). Hope things good with you too xo
I love this personal essay Antonia, I love how you now embrace being a poet and writer as much as a PR consultant, it feels like you’re a bud unfurling (that was quite poetic ha ha). I love reading all of your writing.
Oh, and there’s a book about the partition of Cyprus, I think it’s called The Olive Tree or something similar and that centres on an olive tree that was brought over from Cyprus, the owner buries it each winter to protect it. If you haven’t already read it it’s a great book.
Thank you Caroline! And for reading so closely as this was the first piece of prose I drew on some poetic techniques. It was terrifying but like my friend Lucy Werner days, the joy is in the writing. I know the Island of Missing Trees...it's by Elif Shafak. I don't feel quite ready to go into the politics of the island but one day ...So glad you liked it xo
Are we twins?! I could cry reading how much of myself I saw reading this. Your words have hit me on a soul level. Sidenote, rushed outside in the storm to check on my treasured olive tree! It’s true what my Dad always says, they are so hard wearing. If they can survive famines, wars and thousands of years, they can handle storm Isha! Anyway, here’s to connection. I can’t wait for our mezze lunch. Going to read this again now...loved it that much. X
Ah babe! I want to hang out with your dad! I know olive trees are such a potent symbol for our part of the world. And you’re right....they’re a symbol of resilience and love and connection ❤️On accents...when I moved here my friends always worried when my dad answered the phone lol. Clear as day to me! Will get to work on our mezze 🫓
Bravo Toni - this is exactly IT.
Hiiiii❤️ It took a nudge.
What a beautiful personal essay. Starting with the olive tree draws us into your story about your place in the world. Olive trees, for me, almost show how our lives can change positively. Olive trees are beginning to flourish here in the UK, hopefully showing how we can all live together with differences being welcomed. I know there is a downside to olive trees flourishing - climate change, but I'll overlook that for a moment. XXXX
Thank you for reading Jo...I know olive trees are loaded in symbolism and meaning for so many cultures and like you say, it's one we can share...I had my eye on one in the garden centre so there may be an olive grove in Reading yet ;) xo
I forgot to add have a wonderful birthday 🎈 xxx
Thank you! I'm drawing on Barbara Kingsolver again - she said every birthday is a victory and I'll take that xo
Thanks for sharing this Antonia. Do you manage to go back to Cyprus very often? Xx
Also, have you been?!x
I haven’t, but would love to visit! x
We could do a creative group retreat one day💛🇨🇾💛
Now there’s a thought! x
Thank you Hannah...I try once a year but would love to go more. Actually thinking about a late spring trip...😘
Leah! Thank you for reading and for sharing that- I’m so glad it resonated. Look forward to talking about this more when we catch up! And can’t wait for your novel too 🫒 🌴❤️