Love this so much and it helps me make sense of what I’m figuring out in real time… I’ve done an audio recording on the theme of transitions for Laura’s challenge and scheduled it for Sunday but I just don’t know if I want to publish it… I’ve given myself some space inbetween. It’s not confessional it’s just real life but a lot of what’s real is hidden from view consciously because it’s too exhausting to live there and see it reflected back - does that make sense?! Thanks for writing this. Delighted to be on this journey with you. ✨✨
Claire, you see, this I find so interesting because I always think you have the balance of what you share personally so sorted. It's fascinating to me that even those of us who are so open are struggling with this inner dialogue too. This makes total sense to me and it's also always a leap, as we're growing with these parts of us we can't keep tightly coiled up. Thank you for sharing and I'm looking forward to Sunday. Love to you xo
Thank you for writing this! I remember reading, I think it was in Mary Karr's memoir about writing that if you're still crying while you write about something, it's too raw, too soon, too unprocessed. I like thinking about it like writing from the scar not the wound, because scars are tougher. And I love this, "Where our hero’s journey is still in the departure lounge." And thank you thank for the idea (permission) to have a list of things we are NOT going to write about and the idea that that list might change. I see this thing happening in some writing/podcasts/instagram posts that I call performative vulnerability, which I think is very similar to trauma dumping, where it really feels like the author of the content is sharing something vulnerable as a marketing or other manipulative ploy and it really bothers me. It helps me take a step back and see if what I'm thinking about sharing is, like you said, serving others, or just serving my need to process.
Jocelyn, thank you so much for this generous response. Ooh performative vulnerability... I know EXACTLY what you mean...we see through it though? When it's been thrust into a content strategy. Look forward to seeing what comes next!!!
I think some of us see through it. I think many don't, which is maybe why I find it frustrating. 😂 But I try to step back and big-picture it and let people be on their own path.
I love this post Antonia - sending big love to the mostness of you 💞
As well as seasons of stuckness, I have seasons of shyness. For me writing is a tool for thinking - sometimes that requires the engagement of others, but not always, not too soon, not their judgement or criticism & seeking approval never ever works for me as I end up writing to please others rather than figure stuff out myself.
You write so beautifully - I hope you keep sharing what is most true and meaningful for you.
Bec, firstly the seasons…stuckness, shyness, seeking-ness…love the different pieces you weave here.And thank you for those gorgeous words🙏🏽 Secondly, I’ve been thinking about you as not been on Insta much so must catch up xo
Instagram is the worst at the moment. You are well out of it! Am considering leaving it but have decided to spend a bit more time on Substack. I love what you are doing here and seeing the lovely creative community you have. Would be great to catch up, Bx
I’ve made a career out of talking about my experiences, and readers/listeners often think they know the whole lot when it’s probably 5-10% of my life.
I still have pangs when I share something particularly personal—I’ve found that Substack triggers this and I suspect it’s to do with the whole subscribe/unsubscribe paid/unpaid thing. But over almost two decades of writing online, I’ve found that my pang is an indicator of healthy vulnerability and also a sign I’ve stretched myself a bit. Maybe I’m saying something that isn’t the expected. If, of course, I felt terror or misgivings, I wouldn’t post, so I know my boundaries with this stuff.
I know what I’m happy to talk about, which is a lot, but I also know where I don’t go.
Nat, thank you as always for your wise response. I love that you’re so clear on your no-go areas…but you’re the boundary queen! And that you use that embodiment to steer you. So interesting about the Substack triggers …you and Lucy need to talk!xo
What a wonderful post. Thank you. I’ve published memoir essays before but with an editor and under the cloak of protection that an Official Publication provides. The post I wrote last week was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever published. And people really responded. So on we go, yes? I love Substack for giving me a chance to be bold.
Wow - thank you so much for sharing Elizabeth. And I know what you mean about the protective barrier of an editor! I will go and have a read of your post. On we go...into the bold new space Substack holds open xo
Such a great post Antonia, brilliant guidance. Boundaries and intention are important. I posted something personal about loss last month. I intended to put it behind a paywall but I managed to do it in a way that didn’t feel too exposed and yes, from scars not the wound (love that!). 💛
Oh Kate! I am so grateful to you for your kind words. I know Emma Gannon uses a paywall to allow her to write more freely and I love you found a way to do it in a way that felt safe to you and supportive to your readers. You always hit that spot with your words...from the scars xo
I nearly did some talking stories on Insta about this today. I had the biggest unsubscribes from paid subscribers since my post at the weekend. Does it make me feel bad? Of course, I'm not a robot BUT I need to remember I am here to write not just for everyone else AND the people who stayed, our connection is deeper. Sharing isn't easy and the responses can be complicated but it's worth it. Thank you for your gentle handhold for me to share.
Are you still going to love? Of COURSE it feels bad as at the core of our fear of being seen is rejection. Focus on that deeper more powerful connection you have with your readers now. Imagine the cost of not sharing this whole part of you …we need all of you, babe❤️
I love the invitation into showing the full-fat version of you! Thank you for this. Yesterday I was coffee with a friend and we both dished how uncomfortable it is to be fully seen. Something about Substack helps with this in a way that Instagram does not. Substack feels like a gathering around a cozy fire where you can dish to a few friends at a time. Instagram feels like I'm being watched. It's creepy.
Interestingly, the most edgy things I've ever written have performed the best (surprise!). They're also the things that take a little more time to prepare my nervous system until I'm ready to share. May we honor the timing of things. Your point about writing from the scar instead of the wound is 10000% on point. I've grazed my divorce but have yet to go deep. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
Love this so much and it helps me make sense of what I’m figuring out in real time… I’ve done an audio recording on the theme of transitions for Laura’s challenge and scheduled it for Sunday but I just don’t know if I want to publish it… I’ve given myself some space inbetween. It’s not confessional it’s just real life but a lot of what’s real is hidden from view consciously because it’s too exhausting to live there and see it reflected back - does that make sense?! Thanks for writing this. Delighted to be on this journey with you. ✨✨
Claire, you see, this I find so interesting because I always think you have the balance of what you share personally so sorted. It's fascinating to me that even those of us who are so open are struggling with this inner dialogue too. This makes total sense to me and it's also always a leap, as we're growing with these parts of us we can't keep tightly coiled up. Thank you for sharing and I'm looking forward to Sunday. Love to you xo
Thank you for writing this! I remember reading, I think it was in Mary Karr's memoir about writing that if you're still crying while you write about something, it's too raw, too soon, too unprocessed. I like thinking about it like writing from the scar not the wound, because scars are tougher. And I love this, "Where our hero’s journey is still in the departure lounge." And thank you thank for the idea (permission) to have a list of things we are NOT going to write about and the idea that that list might change. I see this thing happening in some writing/podcasts/instagram posts that I call performative vulnerability, which I think is very similar to trauma dumping, where it really feels like the author of the content is sharing something vulnerable as a marketing or other manipulative ploy and it really bothers me. It helps me take a step back and see if what I'm thinking about sharing is, like you said, serving others, or just serving my need to process.
Jocelyn, thank you so much for this generous response. Ooh performative vulnerability... I know EXACTLY what you mean...we see through it though? When it's been thrust into a content strategy. Look forward to seeing what comes next!!!
I think some of us see through it. I think many don't, which is maybe why I find it frustrating. 😂 But I try to step back and big-picture it and let people be on their own path.
Every word of this spoke to me. Thank you for sharing it.
This makes it all so worth it. Thank you Catherine x
I love this post Antonia - sending big love to the mostness of you 💞
As well as seasons of stuckness, I have seasons of shyness. For me writing is a tool for thinking - sometimes that requires the engagement of others, but not always, not too soon, not their judgement or criticism & seeking approval never ever works for me as I end up writing to please others rather than figure stuff out myself.
You write so beautifully - I hope you keep sharing what is most true and meaningful for you.
Bec, firstly the seasons…stuckness, shyness, seeking-ness…love the different pieces you weave here.And thank you for those gorgeous words🙏🏽 Secondly, I’ve been thinking about you as not been on Insta much so must catch up xo
Instagram is the worst at the moment. You are well out of it! Am considering leaving it but have decided to spend a bit more time on Substack. I love what you are doing here and seeing the lovely creative community you have. Would be great to catch up, Bx
I’ve made a career out of talking about my experiences, and readers/listeners often think they know the whole lot when it’s probably 5-10% of my life.
I still have pangs when I share something particularly personal—I’ve found that Substack triggers this and I suspect it’s to do with the whole subscribe/unsubscribe paid/unpaid thing. But over almost two decades of writing online, I’ve found that my pang is an indicator of healthy vulnerability and also a sign I’ve stretched myself a bit. Maybe I’m saying something that isn’t the expected. If, of course, I felt terror or misgivings, I wouldn’t post, so I know my boundaries with this stuff.
I know what I’m happy to talk about, which is a lot, but I also know where I don’t go.
Nat, thank you as always for your wise response. I love that you’re so clear on your no-go areas…but you’re the boundary queen! And that you use that embodiment to steer you. So interesting about the Substack triggers …you and Lucy need to talk!xo
What a wonderful post. Thank you. I’ve published memoir essays before but with an editor and under the cloak of protection that an Official Publication provides. The post I wrote last week was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever published. And people really responded. So on we go, yes? I love Substack for giving me a chance to be bold.
Wow - thank you so much for sharing Elizabeth. And I know what you mean about the protective barrier of an editor! I will go and have a read of your post. On we go...into the bold new space Substack holds open xo
Such a great post Antonia, brilliant guidance. Boundaries and intention are important. I posted something personal about loss last month. I intended to put it behind a paywall but I managed to do it in a way that didn’t feel too exposed and yes, from scars not the wound (love that!). 💛
Oh Kate! I am so grateful to you for your kind words. I know Emma Gannon uses a paywall to allow her to write more freely and I love you found a way to do it in a way that felt safe to you and supportive to your readers. You always hit that spot with your words...from the scars xo
I nearly did some talking stories on Insta about this today. I had the biggest unsubscribes from paid subscribers since my post at the weekend. Does it make me feel bad? Of course, I'm not a robot BUT I need to remember I am here to write not just for everyone else AND the people who stayed, our connection is deeper. Sharing isn't easy and the responses can be complicated but it's worth it. Thank you for your gentle handhold for me to share.
Are you still going to love? Of COURSE it feels bad as at the core of our fear of being seen is rejection. Focus on that deeper more powerful connection you have with your readers now. Imagine the cost of not sharing this whole part of you …we need all of you, babe❤️
I’m outnumbered by little people today ♥️. But maybe next week....
I love the invitation into showing the full-fat version of you! Thank you for this. Yesterday I was coffee with a friend and we both dished how uncomfortable it is to be fully seen. Something about Substack helps with this in a way that Instagram does not. Substack feels like a gathering around a cozy fire where you can dish to a few friends at a time. Instagram feels like I'm being watched. It's creepy.
Interestingly, the most edgy things I've ever written have performed the best (surprise!). They're also the things that take a little more time to prepare my nervous system until I'm ready to share. May we honor the timing of things. Your point about writing from the scar instead of the wound is 10000% on point. I've grazed my divorce but have yet to go deep. Maybe I will, maybe I won't.
So simple and so helpful - just as it should be!